User blog:Awesomesix/5 sea creatures I question the reason for
As we all know, the sea is like a big puddle. Inside that puddle are things like sharks, whales, and the 100% legit Cthuhlu. However, there are certain creatures I really want to know why they exist. From fish that use snot as a weapon, to nightmare worms, here are 5 sea creatures that I think are stupid. #5: Vampire squid For something named as fearsome as "vampire squid", it only gets one thing right: It sucks. It's not even a real squid. Scientists were like "Fuck it, let's name this a squid" even though it's not. That aside, what is there to say about the vampire squid? Well, for one thing, it looks like an aborted fetus. That's a start. It also can surround itself in its tentacles and look like a piece of trash. Its eyes are also the largest of any animal in relation to its body. In other words, this thing isn't interesting. Except for one thing: It can produce light at certain points in its body. Well, when you live in the darkest bits of the ocean, you gotta do something to see. Granted, you wouldn't want to see anything down there; half of the animals look like nightmare fuel if you asked a 5 year old to draw a goldfish after he watched a horror movie while drugged. No wonder they live down there. #4: Sea slug Penis jousting? Penis jousting. Yes, that is correct. These hermaphrodites will, when mating, joust with their dicks, and the loser becomes the female. If that doesn't spell romantic, I don't know what does. Besides anything but that. Besides looking like Crayola turds, sea slugs don't do much besides act as nature's little brainfarts. Some of them look like toothpaste, some look like hallucinations, some look like chewing gum, but they all look like someone just gave up on drawing. And I wouldn't blame them, because nothing spells useless like sea slug. Land slugs weren't interesting in the first place, why would you dip them in rainbows and throw them in the sea? These ones are even worse though, because you can't throw salt on them to kill them, because the water they live in is already filled with salt. And oil. And fish sperm. On second though, let's stick to kiddie pools. #3: Cookie Cutter Sharks Ladies and gentleman, we have found Satan's fleshlight. If you somehow haven't learned where it got it's name, you're stupid. These bastards kill prey by biting into them and eating out a circle of their flesh. Not to mention they look like baby aliens mixed with whatever the hell your nightmares shit out. They're so wrinkly and their eyes are so big, and it's just disturbing. Not to mention these things have been known to attack people. They aren't that big either, being only 2 feet long and around 10 pounds. I imagine it won't come as a surprise when I tell you it lives down in the creepy Tim Burtonesque abysses of the ocean, where all the animals that look like they want to eat your soul and your face were shoved for safe keeping. Next time you go diving in the ocean, remember, there's always some fuckdemon wanting to quietly bite a circle of flesh out of you. #2: Hagfish This one is all kinds of "why?". Imagine you're down in the ocean, looking at beautiful fish and coral. Suddenly, you see something that looks like Flounder coughed up a gut. Being the curious person you are, you decide to pick it up. The little shit then decides you're an enemy. What does it do? It sneezes on you. If you think I'm joking, I'm not. This whole creature relies on tissue decor to live. Hunting for food? Sneeze on the bastard. Either that, or it decides to spice it up a little and eat into its victim and slide inside them like a sleeping bag. I also wouldn't advise picking it up bare handed, because it feels like nope and vomit worthyness. Next time you have to sneeze, just be glad you don't have to cover your body in it to survive. Don't let that image stay in your head long. Honorable mentions These guys are weird too. Spotlight Loosejaw NOPE Goblin Shark NOPE Sea Spider NOPENOPENOPENOPE And number one is... Sea cucumber. You know you're destined for shit when your name is sea cucumber. I mean, you're named after a fucking vegetable. If you think THAT sucks, get this: Sea cucumbers breathe through their butts. And eat. Imagine eating and shitting through the same hole. Nasty. If that doesn't help, the sea cucumber's asshole is also the ideal home for the pearl fish. Why? Just why? To add insult to injury, the sea cucumber has only one line of defense. If attacked, it shits out its internal organs at its enemy. Well isn't that dandy. Not to mention it's squisher than a rotten peach in the middle of summer. There is nothing that can save the sea cucumber, except dropping the "sea" in the name and not being a sea cucumber. Questions Should I continue? Yes No Sea cucumber If so, what should I do next? 5 most disturbing fictional creatures 5 cutest mammals 5 most majestic animals That is all. Category:Blog posts